Rules are like devices that trigger our emotions. We humans though have different rules for same values, they bring great impact on our lives. This impact is kind of a pain or pleasure that affects our lives. In fact we have several ways to feel bad but few ways to feel good.
Some times it is due to religious and cultural conditioning these rules get created and some times we create them to feel successful or would get motivated to work hard for achieving something in life.
Why do we impose such rules? There are several reasons and one such reason is we throughout the day observe people who touch our lives through set of rules. Most of them don’t even know our rules and we never express it to them. In spite of that we wish people to know them and comply with it. If they don’t then we start carrying hard emotions for ourselves and likely to carry hard emotions for others. It is important to communicate these rules subtly without upsetting anybody because it is difficult to expect people to know about the rules. If they are not known to other people, they get easily violated and may create misunderstanding. If we see somebody breaking them we get upset. We don’t feel good.
Before we set rules we have to check if they are empowering us to feel good. If it is difficult to meet the criteria of the rules, they will disempower our lives. If we cannot control them they will again disempower our lives. If we feel more bad than more good then again they are disempowering rules.
Hence rules should be such that they would move us in direction of human values, using criteria which we can control and which are achievable. If they are unachievable, they become non starters, a burden and unacceptable to others. If we are making rules of expecting perfection from family members and others; it is impossible to meet such rule. It is unachievable as nobody is perfect in this world. We cannot control actions and emotions of other people. Also such rule brings unpleasantness and upsets everybody.
It is very easy to set rules then to move away from them, once they start controlling our lives as well as our destiny. Therefore it is better we start scrutinizing them for their ability to bring success in our life. It is never too late to check them than blindly adapting them through beliefs. As rules generate behavior pattern, all we have to do is to create system of evaluating and controlling these rules, if they are achievable and they bring happiness in our lives. Happiness comes with achievement of goal and this happiness brings better treatment to our friends, colleagues and pals. These rules can be called personal rules.
Today everybody is living stressful life specially woman in our society. Not only do they have to have perfect body, they have to take care of their husband, children, parents, relatives and friends and that too perfectly. Same is also expected of men of our society. There are also rules which are agreed by human society in general like if I want health I must not smoke. If I want happiness in relation with my wife or husband then I must not have extra marital affairs. There are some rules which are never violated because of shear pain associated with it. But some rules though we should not break, we violate it again and again because we never treat them seriously. Because we assume so many things in lives.
Rules can give environment which is needed to be successful in life. They can motivate us to grow and expand in our life. What is required is balance between personal rules and never to be violated rules in appropriate context. If we don’t know the rules we may sooner or later violate them but if we observe people and understand their rules then we can predict their behavior and meet their needs. The most empowering rule is to enjoy the life no matter what happens.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
RULES SOURCE OF PAIN AND PLEASURE
Human nature is to keep expectation. If they are met then we feel good but if they are not met then we are left unhappy. We all human being keep infinite range of emotions and each emotion responds to the beliefs we keep. Expectation is also one kind of emotion. People get excited and become emotional with each expectation they keep within their belief range. We also obsessively track theses expectation for their fulfillment. We crave for them as a thing of very scarce nature, but never look around for other things which are kind of miracle that happen with us every day.
Once these expectations are met we start framing rules, rules supported by beliefs and strengthened by experience we get. Experience is nothing but interpretation of controlling forces of our beliefs. What we believe we experience and once we experience, we try to make rule in order to occur a thing in a particular way. But if the thing does not happen in a way we desire or the way that makes us feel good then we start getting pain. We then say that the happening was not as per our expectation.
What has to happen in order for us to feel good? I would say, nothing has to happen in order for us to feel good. It is we who ask the brain to create a response or to change the biochemistry of our nervous system that causes us to feel that particular sensation called pleasure. It is our rule that say, if I get million dollars, I will feel good. If I get mail from my beloved, I will feel good. If I get four grade points in my final examination, I will feel good.
For every situation we try to establish rules and standard that would make us act in a particular way. But these rules have a base of belief that determines our emotions and behaviors to what is good and what is bad. What is important and what is not. This behavior is what is called rules. To discover these rules the easiest way is to put questions and judge response getting generated in our brain. We may ask our selves “what has to happen if I quit a job and join a new one”. “How should people react if they hear I have quit the job and joined new company?” Some may say we should become emotional while leaving the job. On the Other hand people would say, “No emotionality should be there, because if I am quitting the job, it is my decision. People would forget me the second day”
These rules activate our pain or pleasure. We become judge and jury within ourselves. We alone stage a miniature court within our brain and become judge and jury by ourselves. Those who break our set of rule become culprit and are damned for going against them without any say. Though we are hard wired to create judge and jury system, we have to assess each situation rationally.
Rules are like shortcut to responses that are generated by brain. They control every aspect of our lives. But the greatest dilemma is to generate perfect response matching the situation. Dilemma is due to judge and jury system that overplays in our mind. We set up these rules in a random style by influences to which we are exposed. These influences bring new values that shape our lives. We develop matching beliefs to achieve these values and very often abandon, twist and generalize old rules. These new rules which are in direct conflict with old rules will resist against them as they grow up. Thus some times they reward us and some times they punish us.
Most of us create rules which are unsuitable in defining success, security, making relationship or anything that bring change in our lives. Since everything in our lives is presided by this judge and jury system, it hurts our current life. That is the reason; we are what we are in our lives.
Once these expectations are met we start framing rules, rules supported by beliefs and strengthened by experience we get. Experience is nothing but interpretation of controlling forces of our beliefs. What we believe we experience and once we experience, we try to make rule in order to occur a thing in a particular way. But if the thing does not happen in a way we desire or the way that makes us feel good then we start getting pain. We then say that the happening was not as per our expectation.
What has to happen in order for us to feel good? I would say, nothing has to happen in order for us to feel good. It is we who ask the brain to create a response or to change the biochemistry of our nervous system that causes us to feel that particular sensation called pleasure. It is our rule that say, if I get million dollars, I will feel good. If I get mail from my beloved, I will feel good. If I get four grade points in my final examination, I will feel good.
For every situation we try to establish rules and standard that would make us act in a particular way. But these rules have a base of belief that determines our emotions and behaviors to what is good and what is bad. What is important and what is not. This behavior is what is called rules. To discover these rules the easiest way is to put questions and judge response getting generated in our brain. We may ask our selves “what has to happen if I quit a job and join a new one”. “How should people react if they hear I have quit the job and joined new company?” Some may say we should become emotional while leaving the job. On the Other hand people would say, “No emotionality should be there, because if I am quitting the job, it is my decision. People would forget me the second day”
These rules activate our pain or pleasure. We become judge and jury within ourselves. We alone stage a miniature court within our brain and become judge and jury by ourselves. Those who break our set of rule become culprit and are damned for going against them without any say. Though we are hard wired to create judge and jury system, we have to assess each situation rationally.
Rules are like shortcut to responses that are generated by brain. They control every aspect of our lives. But the greatest dilemma is to generate perfect response matching the situation. Dilemma is due to judge and jury system that overplays in our mind. We set up these rules in a random style by influences to which we are exposed. These influences bring new values that shape our lives. We develop matching beliefs to achieve these values and very often abandon, twist and generalize old rules. These new rules which are in direct conflict with old rules will resist against them as they grow up. Thus some times they reward us and some times they punish us.
Most of us create rules which are unsuitable in defining success, security, making relationship or anything that bring change in our lives. Since everything in our lives is presided by this judge and jury system, it hurts our current life. That is the reason; we are what we are in our lives.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
UNDERSTANDING VALUES OF LIFE
There are many people who do not know what is important to them. They just grapple in dark lane of life, waffle on many issues without deciding or taking any stand on them. But if we want deepest fulfillment of life then we have to decide many things and do what is important to us in this life. However we never decide to take action and have no clear idea as to how to take action. We differ to take action and or we have tough time to make decision about that. Why? Because all decisions making comes down to value clarification. We are never clear about what is important to us. Decision making becomes kind of torture. But this is not true for those who have clear idea of their highest principles of their lives. Values are like personal compass which guides our lives through all kind of hazards and perils.
Recognization and power comes to those who submerge their action with their philosophies. Those who have grasp over their own values and live by them; they are admired and respected universally. Every human being, belonging to what ever culture is embodied with some integrity and value which change according to right or wrong perceptions we bring in. They continually change depending upon the impact of circumstances and situations experienced by him. Also there is always a clash between personal values and universal values. Every time a value is born, human existence takes on a new meaning. We must realize that direction of our lives is controlled by magnetic pull of our values. They are force within us consistently leading us to make decisions that create our direction and destiny.
We have to understand ourselves before we understand values. Values are something that we hold dear. Those that we hold dear are called individual life values and the one that are followed by religions, nations, communities, cultures, organizations and companies universally are called universal life values. It is fact that within a nation there is constant shift going on within the values of culture as a whole. We have to learn from this that in our personal and professional lives, we have to be clear about what is important in our lives and we have to live by those values no matter what happens. This is possible only when we know what our values are. There are two types of values. One is called “end” and another is called “means”. For some family is value which is an end and for some money is value which is called means. But actually it is just an emotional state of mind which we desire to experience continuously in our lives.
Many people are not able to differentiate between ends and means and hence they experience pain in their lives. They are so busy pursuing mean values; they overlook their end values. They achieve means but miss out on end values thus living unfulfilled life. The end values are those that fulfill and make our lives rich and rewarding.
There are many human values but some core values through which we derive pleasure are
Abundance, Comfort, Commitment, Compassion, Cooperation, Fairness, Faith, Family, Fidelity, Freedom, Gratitude, Happiness, Health, Honesty, Hygiene, Impartiality, Integrity, Love, Loyalty, Peace, Philanthropy, Power, Purity, Respect, Sacrifice, Sharing, Success, Simplicity, Spirituality, Sympathy, Teamwork, Trust, Truth, Wealth, Wisdom.
Some of the values may be part of us and some may not be. There are some which are not list here. Any way, it is probably that we value some of them more than others and try to achieve it. There is also hierarchy to these values as they are more important then others depending our emotional state of mind. Remember these values are part of our character hence we should be more concerned about our character then our reputation because our character is what we really are and reputation is merely what others think we are.
Whatever our values, they affect direction of life. We have to learn that some values give us pleasure than others. What makes difference is to get the sense of control over them as controlling them brings control over decision making process. It helps draw focus on all our actions. It shapes with whom we will have relationships and what we will do within the relationship and how we will live with them. Values bring consistency in our relationship.
Recognization and power comes to those who submerge their action with their philosophies. Those who have grasp over their own values and live by them; they are admired and respected universally. Every human being, belonging to what ever culture is embodied with some integrity and value which change according to right or wrong perceptions we bring in. They continually change depending upon the impact of circumstances and situations experienced by him. Also there is always a clash between personal values and universal values. Every time a value is born, human existence takes on a new meaning. We must realize that direction of our lives is controlled by magnetic pull of our values. They are force within us consistently leading us to make decisions that create our direction and destiny.
We have to understand ourselves before we understand values. Values are something that we hold dear. Those that we hold dear are called individual life values and the one that are followed by religions, nations, communities, cultures, organizations and companies universally are called universal life values. It is fact that within a nation there is constant shift going on within the values of culture as a whole. We have to learn from this that in our personal and professional lives, we have to be clear about what is important in our lives and we have to live by those values no matter what happens. This is possible only when we know what our values are. There are two types of values. One is called “end” and another is called “means”. For some family is value which is an end and for some money is value which is called means. But actually it is just an emotional state of mind which we desire to experience continuously in our lives.
Many people are not able to differentiate between ends and means and hence they experience pain in their lives. They are so busy pursuing mean values; they overlook their end values. They achieve means but miss out on end values thus living unfulfilled life. The end values are those that fulfill and make our lives rich and rewarding.
There are many human values but some core values through which we derive pleasure are
Abundance, Comfort, Commitment, Compassion, Cooperation, Fairness, Faith, Family, Fidelity, Freedom, Gratitude, Happiness, Health, Honesty, Hygiene, Impartiality, Integrity, Love, Loyalty, Peace, Philanthropy, Power, Purity, Respect, Sacrifice, Sharing, Success, Simplicity, Spirituality, Sympathy, Teamwork, Trust, Truth, Wealth, Wisdom.
Some of the values may be part of us and some may not be. There are some which are not list here. Any way, it is probably that we value some of them more than others and try to achieve it. There is also hierarchy to these values as they are more important then others depending our emotional state of mind. Remember these values are part of our character hence we should be more concerned about our character then our reputation because our character is what we really are and reputation is merely what others think we are.
Whatever our values, they affect direction of life. We have to learn that some values give us pleasure than others. What makes difference is to get the sense of control over them as controlling them brings control over decision making process. It helps draw focus on all our actions. It shapes with whom we will have relationships and what we will do within the relationship and how we will live with them. Values bring consistency in our relationship.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES OF SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS
There are some fundamental techniques required to make people like you and win their heart. If we follow these rules then the whole world is with you. The first rule is to develop ability to speak well because these words will make their way to the people’s heart. Never criticize, condemn or complain about a person. Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person's precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. Instead of condemning people, let's try to understand them. Begin criticism with sincere praise. Give attention to people's mistakes indirectly. Admitting one's own mistakes - even when one hasn't corrected them, this can help convince somebody to change his behavior. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. Use praise instead of criticism. Abilities decline and become weak under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.
Some of the things most people want in their life include 1. Health and the preservation of life. 2. Food. 3. Sleep. 4. Money and the things money will buy. 5. Life in the hereafter. 6. Sexual gratification. 7. The well-being of our children and 8. The feeling of importance. All these desires can be gratified except last one and that is, “A feeling of importance or getting appreciated and loved.” Always make the other person feel important. The desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature and the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. It is this urge that differentiates us from the animals. It is this urge that has been responsible for civilization itself. This appreciation should be sincere without any flattery. Flattery is shallow, selfish and insincere and will not work with discerning people. He who can do this has the whole world with him.
To make good impression, the first act is to smile at people. This smile should be genuine and should come from the bottom of the heart. We should not fear being misunderstood but should fix in our mind firmly what we would like to do. Preserve a right mental attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer after that every sincere prayer gets answered. Our smile is a messenger of our good will which brightens the lives of all who see it. Our smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds. Especially when someone is under pressure, a smile can help him realize that all is not hopeless – that there is joy in the world.
Let us remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. People like to be remembered by their names. Some of the things which make people like us are the fact that people are not interested in us. They are interested in themselves. If we are genuinely interested in any person, attention to the person who is speaking to us is very important. Nothing else is as flattering as that. This is also a secret of successful interview. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. People prefer to listen to those who talk about what interests them. Talking in terms of the other person's interests pays off for both parties.
Our way of thinking is the only way to win the people. First rule is we must avoid arguments. We can't win an argument. Suppose we triumph over the other man and prove that he is wrong. We will feel fine but we have made him feel inferior. We may achieve a victory we will never get his good will. We must show sympathetic desire to see the other person's viewpoint. Listen first. Give our opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Look for areas of agreement. Dwell first on the points and areas on which we agree. Promise to think over your opponents' ideas and study them carefully. Our opponents may be right. Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. Apologize for your mistakes. Admit it if we are wrong. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness. We will never get into trouble by admitting that we may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong. If we know positively that a person is wrong, and we bluntly tell him or her so, what happens? We create our immediate enemy. Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong." Always adopt friendly, sympathetic, appreciative approach and we can win any arguments. Gentleness and friendliness were always stronger than fury and force. The friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily. Most of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
Some times it is important to allow other person to save his face. It is very important. We ride very rough over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person's pride. Whereas a few minutes' thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person's attitude, would go so far toward easing the sting! Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Nagging is the deadliest. It always destroys and kills conjugal marital life. Does all this nagging and scolding and raging changes a person? Yes. It certainly changes his attitude toward his wife. Because it makes a person regret his unfortunate marriage and it makes him avoid her presence as much as possible. It brings nothing but tragedy into their lives and destroys all that they cherished most. So, if we want to keep our home life happy, never nag. Success in marriage is much more than a matter of finding the right person; it is also a matter of being the right person. Never interfere in their way of being happy themselves. Don’t try to change each other. Let them have their own private lives. Refrain from domestic criticism. Be considerate. Men should express their appreciation of a woman's effort to look well and dress well too. All men never realize that women are profoundly interested in clothes.
If a woman is to find happiness at all in her husband, she is to find it in his appreciation, and devotion. If that appreciation and devotion is genuine, there is the answer to his happiness also. Too many men underestimate the value of small, everyday attentions like reciprocating wife's waving good-bye to her husband when he goes to work in the morning and by remembering birthdays and anniversaries. Love passes through these small little things. Let us not neglect it. Rudeness is the cancer that devours love. Everyone knows this, yet it's notorious that we are more polite to strangers than we are to our own relatives. Courtesy is very important to marriage. We must shed our workaday troubles before we enter our homes. Many psychologist say failure in marriage occurs due to four reasons and these reasons are sexual maladjustments or incompatibilities, difference of opinion due to spending of leisure hours, financial difficulties and mental, physical and emotional abnormalities.
In a nutshell, values guide our decisions and so guide our lives and destiny. Those who know their values and live by them become leaders of our society. It is our commitment to values which make us exemplified individuals.
Some of the things most people want in their life include 1. Health and the preservation of life. 2. Food. 3. Sleep. 4. Money and the things money will buy. 5. Life in the hereafter. 6. Sexual gratification. 7. The well-being of our children and 8. The feeling of importance. All these desires can be gratified except last one and that is, “A feeling of importance or getting appreciated and loved.” Always make the other person feel important. The desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature and the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. It is this urge that differentiates us from the animals. It is this urge that has been responsible for civilization itself. This appreciation should be sincere without any flattery. Flattery is shallow, selfish and insincere and will not work with discerning people. He who can do this has the whole world with him.
To make good impression, the first act is to smile at people. This smile should be genuine and should come from the bottom of the heart. We should not fear being misunderstood but should fix in our mind firmly what we would like to do. Preserve a right mental attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer after that every sincere prayer gets answered. Our smile is a messenger of our good will which brightens the lives of all who see it. Our smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds. Especially when someone is under pressure, a smile can help him realize that all is not hopeless – that there is joy in the world.
Let us remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. People like to be remembered by their names. Some of the things which make people like us are the fact that people are not interested in us. They are interested in themselves. If we are genuinely interested in any person, attention to the person who is speaking to us is very important. Nothing else is as flattering as that. This is also a secret of successful interview. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. People prefer to listen to those who talk about what interests them. Talking in terms of the other person's interests pays off for both parties.
Our way of thinking is the only way to win the people. First rule is we must avoid arguments. We can't win an argument. Suppose we triumph over the other man and prove that he is wrong. We will feel fine but we have made him feel inferior. We may achieve a victory we will never get his good will. We must show sympathetic desire to see the other person's viewpoint. Listen first. Give our opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Look for areas of agreement. Dwell first on the points and areas on which we agree. Promise to think over your opponents' ideas and study them carefully. Our opponents may be right. Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. Apologize for your mistakes. Admit it if we are wrong. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness. We will never get into trouble by admitting that we may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong. If we know positively that a person is wrong, and we bluntly tell him or her so, what happens? We create our immediate enemy. Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong." Always adopt friendly, sympathetic, appreciative approach and we can win any arguments. Gentleness and friendliness were always stronger than fury and force. The friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily. Most of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
Some times it is important to allow other person to save his face. It is very important. We ride very rough over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person's pride. Whereas a few minutes' thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person's attitude, would go so far toward easing the sting! Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Nagging is the deadliest. It always destroys and kills conjugal marital life. Does all this nagging and scolding and raging changes a person? Yes. It certainly changes his attitude toward his wife. Because it makes a person regret his unfortunate marriage and it makes him avoid her presence as much as possible. It brings nothing but tragedy into their lives and destroys all that they cherished most. So, if we want to keep our home life happy, never nag. Success in marriage is much more than a matter of finding the right person; it is also a matter of being the right person. Never interfere in their way of being happy themselves. Don’t try to change each other. Let them have their own private lives. Refrain from domestic criticism. Be considerate. Men should express their appreciation of a woman's effort to look well and dress well too. All men never realize that women are profoundly interested in clothes.
If a woman is to find happiness at all in her husband, she is to find it in his appreciation, and devotion. If that appreciation and devotion is genuine, there is the answer to his happiness also. Too many men underestimate the value of small, everyday attentions like reciprocating wife's waving good-bye to her husband when he goes to work in the morning and by remembering birthdays and anniversaries. Love passes through these small little things. Let us not neglect it. Rudeness is the cancer that devours love. Everyone knows this, yet it's notorious that we are more polite to strangers than we are to our own relatives. Courtesy is very important to marriage. We must shed our workaday troubles before we enter our homes. Many psychologist say failure in marriage occurs due to four reasons and these reasons are sexual maladjustments or incompatibilities, difference of opinion due to spending of leisure hours, financial difficulties and mental, physical and emotional abnormalities.
In a nutshell, values guide our decisions and so guide our lives and destiny. Those who know their values and live by them become leaders of our society. It is our commitment to values which make us exemplified individuals.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
FUNDAMENTAL RULES OF SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS
Those who believe that they have reached a dead end in their relationship are actually at the perfect point to turn things around. Whether you're struggling with a relationship stalemate or concerned about your long-distance relationship, can learn how to make up, stay together, and move forward toward real and lasting love. Development of relation takes place if some rules of relationship are followed.
The first golden rule of successful relationship is to accept the values and rules of the people with whom we share a relationship. The values include commitment of trust, love and care for each other. Every person has his own rules with whom we intimately involve which makes up their identity. It is also true that in some cases these rules will clash. If the rules of other persons are broken consistently, it brings stress in the relationship. Knowing other persons rules will ward off the danger of these clashes in advance.
The second golden rule is relationship is always demanding. There the subjects have to give each other rather than take from each other. If we decide to go into the relationship then we have to make ourselves ready to face challenge of giving rather than taking. If we are going into relationship expecting anything then this would work out against us.
The third golden rule is to look for signals. We have to look out for these signals in relationship, which have to be tackled immediately otherwise things may go out of hand. These signals are resistance, resentment, rejection and repression. The solution to these phases is communication between partners. Avoid confrontation at any cost. Talk in terms of preferences.
The fourth golden rule is to make relationship highest priority of life. Gradually other priorities which are not that urgent will give way to emotional intensity simply because we do not want to loose the relationship. This is power of relationship.
The fifth golden rule is to focus on how to make this relationship better each day rather then ending it. This rule is for married couple. If we want relationship to last then don’t ever threaten the relationship itself by saying if you do that then I am leaving. These statements create destabilizing fears. No matter how hurt or angry we feel, never to question if the relationship will last.
The sixth golden rule is to re-associate with what we love about a person. We have to reinforce feeling of connection and privilege of sharing life with the person we love. This pleasure should be felt intensely.
Apart from following these golden rules, we also have to learn the skill to handle people. It is very easy to make people like you and win their hearts but we cannot win them to our way of thinking. We can win them only by their way of thinking. It needs skill and understanding of psychology of the people to change them without giving offense and without arousing resentment.
The first golden rule of successful relationship is to accept the values and rules of the people with whom we share a relationship. The values include commitment of trust, love and care for each other. Every person has his own rules with whom we intimately involve which makes up their identity. It is also true that in some cases these rules will clash. If the rules of other persons are broken consistently, it brings stress in the relationship. Knowing other persons rules will ward off the danger of these clashes in advance.
The second golden rule is relationship is always demanding. There the subjects have to give each other rather than take from each other. If we decide to go into the relationship then we have to make ourselves ready to face challenge of giving rather than taking. If we are going into relationship expecting anything then this would work out against us.
The third golden rule is to look for signals. We have to look out for these signals in relationship, which have to be tackled immediately otherwise things may go out of hand. These signals are resistance, resentment, rejection and repression. The solution to these phases is communication between partners. Avoid confrontation at any cost. Talk in terms of preferences.
The fourth golden rule is to make relationship highest priority of life. Gradually other priorities which are not that urgent will give way to emotional intensity simply because we do not want to loose the relationship. This is power of relationship.
The fifth golden rule is to focus on how to make this relationship better each day rather then ending it. This rule is for married couple. If we want relationship to last then don’t ever threaten the relationship itself by saying if you do that then I am leaving. These statements create destabilizing fears. No matter how hurt or angry we feel, never to question if the relationship will last.
The sixth golden rule is to re-associate with what we love about a person. We have to reinforce feeling of connection and privilege of sharing life with the person we love. This pleasure should be felt intensely.
Apart from following these golden rules, we also have to learn the skill to handle people. It is very easy to make people like you and win their hearts but we cannot win them to our way of thinking. We can win them only by their way of thinking. It needs skill and understanding of psychology of the people to change them without giving offense and without arousing resentment.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
CHALLENGES IN RELATIONSHIPS
Natural development of relationship has five stages. The first stage being becoming acquaintance where depending upon previous relationship, there physical proximity and their first impression, the two subjects meet each other and become friends, associates or colleague. There are several places of proximity like schools, colleges, workplace, playgrounds or cinema halls etc. The second stage is building up of this relationship where they begin to trust and care each other. During this stage they also try to find out compatibility and common grounds of agreements. The goal will also influence if they would interaction for prolonged period or not. This stage leads to third stage of mutual commitment to long term relationship as friends, romantic relationship or marriage. This follows long period of stable relationship but it needs strong base of mutual trust. The fourth stage is either upward spiral or deterioration of relationship depending upon if there is complete submersion of trust or breach of trust from any of the partner. The development of fourth stage happens due to many factors some of them are external and some are psychological.
The external reasons being high levels of stress where people are forced to work in undesirable working conditions, which lead to frustration and anger. This is topped by the family pressure, which aggravates the situation further. This leads to perilous situations, like divorce in case of married couples or complete cut-off or non association from either side.
Lack of time is the common story in every household. Couples do not have time for friends, family, children, and even for themselves. The cut throat competition in the professional field and the household responsibilities do not leave any time for the partners. Thus, the connection between the two begins to fade. The luster and spark in the relationship becomes low, leading to rather monotonous relationship.
One of the most widespread challenges in a relationship is the threat of infidelity or adultery in case of married couples. In the present scenario, both the partners are working and spend a major chunk of the time away from each other. Even the remaining time is utilized in taking take care of other responsibilities. This does not provide partners enough time to please each other physically and emotionally. This leads to attraction outside marriage.
Lack of communication widens gap between married couples in a relationship. It can lead to serious problems, if not taken care of in time. The result might be an increasing the distance between the partners, alienating them and making them indifferent towards each others feelings, desires and wants. Therefore, it is utterly necessary for the partners to communicate with each other on regular basis, so that they can relate with each other effectively.
Finance related issues are amongst the most common challenges faced by couples nowadays. In a relationship, couples are expected to manage and cooperate in the expenditure and savings of their wealth. However, difference in opinion, with relation to the above-mentioned facts, can really cause problems. If they are business partners then Ambiguity in ambitions, expectations and strategy, with respect to finances, can be hazardous for them.
The first sign of challenges in relationship is when both partners begin to feel resistance. Resistance occurs when we take exceptions or feel annoyed or feel separate from a person. Most people do not communicate if they feel sense of resistance and this emotion leads to resentment or anger. People who begin to feel separate start building emotional barriers. This leads to further destruction of relationship which if not communicated will give rise to rejection. At this point, each partner would start making his partner wrong for every small thing mounting verbal or non verbal attack. They start perceiving everything done by their partners annoying and irritating. At this state not only emotional separation occurs but physical separation as well. If this stage is allowed then this leads to repression. Both partners tired of coping with anger, create emotional numbness. They avoid feeling pain but also avoid passion and excitement. This is most dangerous phase of relationship because at this point lovers or husband wife become roommates. Nobody will notice any problem because they never fight but there is no relationship left. They isolate each other. These are psychological challenges for married couple, lovers or couple with live-in relationship.
The final stage marks the end of the relationship, in the case of a healthy relationship, or separation between two of them.
The relationship has to be nurtured by values and rules of peoples with whom we have relationship. There is a quote of Anthony Robbins which is so true about enduring relationship. It says “Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give and not a place that you go to take”.
The external reasons being high levels of stress where people are forced to work in undesirable working conditions, which lead to frustration and anger. This is topped by the family pressure, which aggravates the situation further. This leads to perilous situations, like divorce in case of married couples or complete cut-off or non association from either side.
Lack of time is the common story in every household. Couples do not have time for friends, family, children, and even for themselves. The cut throat competition in the professional field and the household responsibilities do not leave any time for the partners. Thus, the connection between the two begins to fade. The luster and spark in the relationship becomes low, leading to rather monotonous relationship.
One of the most widespread challenges in a relationship is the threat of infidelity or adultery in case of married couples. In the present scenario, both the partners are working and spend a major chunk of the time away from each other. Even the remaining time is utilized in taking take care of other responsibilities. This does not provide partners enough time to please each other physically and emotionally. This leads to attraction outside marriage.
Lack of communication widens gap between married couples in a relationship. It can lead to serious problems, if not taken care of in time. The result might be an increasing the distance between the partners, alienating them and making them indifferent towards each others feelings, desires and wants. Therefore, it is utterly necessary for the partners to communicate with each other on regular basis, so that they can relate with each other effectively.
Finance related issues are amongst the most common challenges faced by couples nowadays. In a relationship, couples are expected to manage and cooperate in the expenditure and savings of their wealth. However, difference in opinion, with relation to the above-mentioned facts, can really cause problems. If they are business partners then Ambiguity in ambitions, expectations and strategy, with respect to finances, can be hazardous for them.
The first sign of challenges in relationship is when both partners begin to feel resistance. Resistance occurs when we take exceptions or feel annoyed or feel separate from a person. Most people do not communicate if they feel sense of resistance and this emotion leads to resentment or anger. People who begin to feel separate start building emotional barriers. This leads to further destruction of relationship which if not communicated will give rise to rejection. At this point, each partner would start making his partner wrong for every small thing mounting verbal or non verbal attack. They start perceiving everything done by their partners annoying and irritating. At this state not only emotional separation occurs but physical separation as well. If this stage is allowed then this leads to repression. Both partners tired of coping with anger, create emotional numbness. They avoid feeling pain but also avoid passion and excitement. This is most dangerous phase of relationship because at this point lovers or husband wife become roommates. Nobody will notice any problem because they never fight but there is no relationship left. They isolate each other. These are psychological challenges for married couple, lovers or couple with live-in relationship.
The final stage marks the end of the relationship, in the case of a healthy relationship, or separation between two of them.
The relationship has to be nurtured by values and rules of peoples with whom we have relationship. There is a quote of Anthony Robbins which is so true about enduring relationship. It says “Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give and not a place that you go to take”.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Basic Concept of relationships
There are lots of stories we hear of about man meet woman, boy meets girl. They talk for a few minutes and then they become friends for their life. What is the psychology behind this relationship? Why we long for relationship?
We human beings are fundamentally social creature. The term human bond, or more generally human bonding, refers to the process or formation of a close personal relationship, especially through frequent or constant give and take of thoughts. When pairs have favorable bonds, the nature of this bonding is usually attributed to "good" interpersonal chemistry.
There are several types of inter personal relations some of them are social associations, connections and affiliations. They take place under different context like religious association, meetings, clubs, and neighborhood between families, friends of different genders. Families are also part of interpersonal relation in which people get associated with each other by genetics. Relationship can be established by marriage like husband, wife, father-in-law, mother-in-law, uncle by marriage etc.
They are casual, formal to enduring relationships depending how deep we feel about them. There may be informal or loving relationship or romantic with or without live in long term relationship.
Platonic love in its modern popular sense is an affectionate relationship into which the sexual element does not enter. It is also beyond gender relation and beyond caste. It is also above sexuality and based on strong love of divinity. Minds of both individuals are directed towards appreciation of beauty based on consideration of divinity.
Friendship is considered to be closer than personal relationship because of degree of intimacy associated with it. The reason being the value that is found in friendship. It is based on tendency to give what is best for other. Also friendships demands trust, respect and often love with unconditional acceptance of each other.
Internet friendship and pen pal are also one kind of relationship developed at a considerable distance with a person with whom we have never met, whom we only know from the pictures we sent each other, or through handwriting, and things written to each other. The psychology behind them is the loneliness or similarity of thoughts.
Soul mate is the kind of relationship in which one has feeling of deep natural affinity, love, spirituality and compatibility.
The status of relation depends upon how we communicate and feel upon them. They vary in differing levels of intimacy and sharing; implying the discovery or establishment of common ground, and may be centered on something shared in common. The credibility of the relation totally depends upon the interpretation of the message by the sender and the receiver. If the message is taken in the wrong way then it is detrimental to the relation.
Interpersonal relationships are dynamic systems that change continuously during their existence. Like living organisms, relationships have a beginning, a lifespan, and an end. They tend to grow and improve gradually, as people get to know each other and become closer emotionally, or they gradually deteriorate as people drift apart, move on with their lives and form new relationships with others. The natural development of a relationship has five stages and these five stages are as follows.
1) Acquaintance
2) Build-up
3) Continuation
4) Deterioration
5) Termination
Success is worthless if we do not have someone to share with it. Our most desired human emotion is to connect with other people. These relations shape our character, values, beliefs and the quality of our life. So let us create special moments that can make our relationship a role model, the one that is legendary.
We human beings are fundamentally social creature. The term human bond, or more generally human bonding, refers to the process or formation of a close personal relationship, especially through frequent or constant give and take of thoughts. When pairs have favorable bonds, the nature of this bonding is usually attributed to "good" interpersonal chemistry.
There are several types of inter personal relations some of them are social associations, connections and affiliations. They take place under different context like religious association, meetings, clubs, and neighborhood between families, friends of different genders. Families are also part of interpersonal relation in which people get associated with each other by genetics. Relationship can be established by marriage like husband, wife, father-in-law, mother-in-law, uncle by marriage etc.
They are casual, formal to enduring relationships depending how deep we feel about them. There may be informal or loving relationship or romantic with or without live in long term relationship.
Platonic love in its modern popular sense is an affectionate relationship into which the sexual element does not enter. It is also beyond gender relation and beyond caste. It is also above sexuality and based on strong love of divinity. Minds of both individuals are directed towards appreciation of beauty based on consideration of divinity.
Friendship is considered to be closer than personal relationship because of degree of intimacy associated with it. The reason being the value that is found in friendship. It is based on tendency to give what is best for other. Also friendships demands trust, respect and often love with unconditional acceptance of each other.
Internet friendship and pen pal are also one kind of relationship developed at a considerable distance with a person with whom we have never met, whom we only know from the pictures we sent each other, or through handwriting, and things written to each other. The psychology behind them is the loneliness or similarity of thoughts.
Soul mate is the kind of relationship in which one has feeling of deep natural affinity, love, spirituality and compatibility.
The status of relation depends upon how we communicate and feel upon them. They vary in differing levels of intimacy and sharing; implying the discovery or establishment of common ground, and may be centered on something shared in common. The credibility of the relation totally depends upon the interpretation of the message by the sender and the receiver. If the message is taken in the wrong way then it is detrimental to the relation.
Interpersonal relationships are dynamic systems that change continuously during their existence. Like living organisms, relationships have a beginning, a lifespan, and an end. They tend to grow and improve gradually, as people get to know each other and become closer emotionally, or they gradually deteriorate as people drift apart, move on with their lives and form new relationships with others. The natural development of a relationship has five stages and these five stages are as follows.
1) Acquaintance
2) Build-up
3) Continuation
4) Deterioration
5) Termination
Success is worthless if we do not have someone to share with it. Our most desired human emotion is to connect with other people. These relations shape our character, values, beliefs and the quality of our life. So let us create special moments that can make our relationship a role model, the one that is legendary.
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